Not Good Enough. 

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My entire way of being was created from the place of not feeling good enough, not feeling like I matter and feeling unworthy. Although my parents did their absolute best, my little mind operating in its theta waves created meaning on experiences (as all young human minds do). I learned that my safety depended on me keeping the peace and putting the needs of others before my own. I didn't know who I was, I couldn't communicate my feelings - I didn't even have the capacity to acknowledge my own feelings or needs. I believed that I was here solely to serve others, to absorb the emotional burdens of others and make things better for everyone around me. 

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I made myself 'needed'. 

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My young mind believed that I wasn't worthy of being loved, and so I needed to make myself needed in order to feel safe. I met my ex-husband at aged 18, and whilst he was 30 we were the perfect energetic match for who we believed ourselves to be at the time. Like me, he lived seeking approval and validation from parents and people in his world, and he had a daughter, which provided me with the perfect opportunity to make myself 'needed'. Caring for, looking after and providing for a sweet young girl. I didn't realise but I was giving to her everything that my inner child needed and craved.

 

I wasn't capable.

 

My dad's dream was for one of his children to go to University. As I believed that it was my role to fulfil the desires and needs of others, I completed a degree in Psychology. Even with this qualification, I still didn't feel 'good enough' of getting a good job. I stayed in low-paying jobs, until my children came along when I started working from home so that I could care for them. I worked as a freelance administrator for a past employer.

 

This was the perfect way for me to start a business without acknowledging myself as a 'business owner' (my identity couldn't relate to a label like that at the time). I saw myself as just 'serving' others,  picking up the administration that business owners didn't want to do. I charged £10/hour and felt incredibly awkward sending my invoice at the end of each month. One client didn't pay me for months. I didn't have the courage to ask, nor did I have the courage to speak to my husband. I felt so incredibly unworthy of receiving, powerless, underserving and helpless that I fell into debt. 

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My transformation journey began as I started working with a Mindset Coach in 2020. Investing thousands on myself was the hardest thing I've ever done (especially with children to provide for) but it was the start of what was to become an incredible journey of transformation and becoming. 

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And now here I am,  and I am very proud to say that I've experienced huge transformations in every area of my life.

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Friendships​

 

I didn't realise I was terrified of being alone, so, I surrounded myself with people and played the role of being the confident, happy, life and soul of the party. Now I prioritise my own company, being alone, grounded and centred in my own energy is my favourite state of being. I never realised before how much peace and contentment I could feel from being with myself.

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Relationships 

 

I quickly lost myself in a 22 year long relationship when I was 18. I made myself into what I felt was expected of me, with a deep fear of being a disappointment. I prioritised the needs and wants of my partner whilst completely abandoning (or not even knowing) what my own needs were. I lost myself in relationships, giving everything of myself to be what I thought I needed to be to feel validation and approval. Now I feel in my body what feels right; my body and energy tell me everything. I'm no longer feeling obliged just because I'm being chosen or pursued. I'm no longer afraid of saying 'no' or disappointing. I'm no longer needing love, validation, attention or affection from another, and I feel safe to communicate directly which I never was able to do in the past. 

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Family 

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My early family dynamic left me believing I was there to serve those around me. I believed that I didn't matter and that my role was solely to tend to the needs of everyone else. Even when I had children of my own, I didn't feel like I was deserving of their love, or allowed myself to truly feel their love - how could I when all I'd experienced was conditional love? Now I have accessed deep profound love and self acceptance in myself, feeling and experiencing unconditional love for myself has helped me to strengthen and solidify how I am able to love my family.

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Money 

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I never felt deserving of money, I felt uncomfortable receiving and believed that it wasn’t meant for me. I worked extra hard. I over delivered in everything that I did and I struggled to invoice my clients. I'd live month by month, only just having enough to make it through. Now I know my worth and the value that I bring to the world. My relationship with money has completely transformed. It's an energy, a way of exchanging value, and money is no longer above the value that my true soul essence brings. Money makes its way into my life now in many ways. I enjoy doing what I want, when I want and money is rarely even a consideration any more. 

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Spirituality

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I was completely closed off. I grew up fearing a judgemental and punishing God, now I realise that we are all fractals of divine pure consciousness, pure light in human bodies. I realise that we are here to experience, expand and remember who we are. I've opened my mind, raised my consciousness and accessed multidimensional gifts. I connect with high dimensional energies and frequencies and embrace my roles as 'Master Light Language Activator' and Shamanic Practitioner. Trust me - I didn't believe any of this was possible until l started activating Light Language and healings and basically all sorts of gifts in anyone who's open enough to receive! Now I trust in who I know myself to be on a soul level. I command and life responds.

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Life​

 

I was always busy. I was the one who'd be up at 5am for an early morning river swim or bike ride before getting the girls ready for school. I'd attend every gym or bootcamp session going, and be at every social event available. The house was kept immaculate and when I wasn't working, cleaning, washing or looking after children, I'd be busy in the kitchen making delicious and healthy food - planning dinner parties and gatherings; always doing, trying to feel 'good enough' and looking for external validation. Now, in comparison, I do naff all! I wake up and take time to connect with my body and higher consciousness. I move through each day in whatever way feels good at the time. I only plan 'work' time across two or three days per week. My time and energy are sacred and I prioritise alignment, joy, excitement and peace. 

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Health

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I went through phases; cycles of wanting to loose weight and feel better about myself. I over trained in the gym and at bootcamp sessions. I trained for and completed numerous runs, triathlons, mud-runs and even an IRONMAN. Now I realise the quest to feel good enough manifested in physical activity. Now I enjoy sports that excite me, that are fun and light me up, without any pressure of needing to be harder, faster, better or stronger.

 

 

Food 

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Comfort eating was my thing! No matter how healthy I'd eat, I'd still find myself periodically soothing and comforting myself with sugary and unhealthy food. Chocolate on an evening was my go-to choice for soothing what I didn't realise were emotions I wasn't feeling. It was an automatic and mechanical addiction. Some days I'd just find myself continually eating. Now I find myself in tune with my body. I feel drawn to good healthy and nutritious food, with minimal cravings or desires to choose what's unhealthy, which means it's so easy and effortless to nourish myself from the inside out. 

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Happiness

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I thought happiness was doing the things that others wanted me to do whilst telling myself I was happy doing it. That's what made them happy and therefore it felt safe in my nervous system. I started to realise that actually those things didn't make me happy at all and they just drained me. I found strength in saying 'no' and started to explore what it was that I truly wanted and what brought me joy. Who knew that I'd find profound happiness in just 'being'?! Being still, alone and present in the moment, away from others expecting anything from me. Recently I've tapped into new experiences, hobbies, interests and sports and found a new type of joy, freedom and aliveness that I'd never known was possible before. 

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If you're resonating with my journey, and you'd like to experience profound transformation of your own, I'm here to help with just that! 

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If you're serious about deep and profound transformation that echos through every area of your life, my ASCENSION Programme is for you! This is a divine group holding, where I support and hold you through your own transformational journey over a six month period. I also offer 1-1 Coaching (limited places) and one-off sessions as well as a membership and Retreats.

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